A place of truth.

I want to scream, cry, yell, run! Anything to not feel the way I do. I hate it. I get so sick of pretending. I am not happy. I don't know how to be. I feel so dark like demons have cast shadows over me. I want to scream to the world how I really feel. I keep trying to have faith but right now it is so hard to talk to God. I am angry that I have been cursed to be this way. I feel like I have to live in hiding, my own prison, with an "unforgivable" disease. It isn't going to go away, it's like it's own cancer without a cure, but you won't die from it unless you take your own life, which at times, doesn't seem like a bad idea, except I can't hurt my children yet at the same time I wonder how being the way I am is affecting them. Which one of them is going to inherit, from my blood, this curse of mental illness. I pray to God they will be spared.  I go to bed at night searching for hope; a reason to want to open my eyes and be alive the next day. I feel damaged and useless. No one in my family understands. It's not something I can control. Everything in my life crumbled at my feet. My career, health, relationships, college. In my wake of devastation.... There are so many things I wanted to do but fail every time I try, (jobs, church, volunteer work, college) because my mind is only in control some of the time. I don't remember many things of my adult life. In the last four years it has been the worst. I feel like I disappear into my mind. I get lost in darkness and when I come through it, I'm always shocked that I can't remember much of anything. Just like I thought I had just done the laundry yesterday only to find that over a week had passed and the kids needed clean clothes for school. Where was I?  I wonder what have I been doing, saying, thinking; where have I been. I am never truly happy. I can laugh, I can pretend, but my happiness' are only temporary "fixes". When the stimulant is gone the emptiness and sadness are still here. One of my favorite stimulants, other than food, or shopping is diet pills (legal speed). I can get an all day, artificial happy on with those, but what goes up will come down, so I choose not to take them. The crash is too severe. Being happy is great except you know it is fake. I've been on so many meds that I don't even know them all. Nothing really works....as with everything else, it doesn't last. I don't want to take all these meds, but I do. I don't want to increase my doses and be a zombie again. I'm afraid to keep trying meds because it's really like playing Russian Roulette. I'm very angry to the point that I need to avoid people. I can't be nice. People think I don't care, but I do, more than they will ever know, because of the way I am. My brain rolls around in my head, my eyes are seeing, but the brain isn't connecting; when it does I never know what I am going to get (good or bad). Most days it's bad but I pretend so people in my life can be happy, even though I am not. I am so tired of it being okay for me to pretend so others can be happy. I'm not okay!!! I'm rarely okay, but who really wants to know? It's like being in a bad dream I can't wake from. It never ends. My life is a lie. To those of you in my life: when you ask me, "How are you doing?", and I say, "Fine.", I am never fine! I just lie!!! Not that any of you will ever know this blog exists.